Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
