She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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