Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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