i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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