Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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