Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We need to get me chipped asap
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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