you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil