I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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