my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fuck appropriateness.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
