thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
