get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
