God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
