today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
