My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
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I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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