I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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