Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
