So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
