i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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