home. puking in laundry basket.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
