8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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