who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
