I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
