considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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