***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
