I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
