i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.