How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.