so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
