I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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