I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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