God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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