And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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