Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
