i jhust puked up my retainher.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
