onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
