Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
