i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
