Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
