I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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