Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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