I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
