so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
