Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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