he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
