At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A+ Viking dick
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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