It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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