Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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