Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
