ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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