You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I need a beard to bite.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
