She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
