His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i think my cat just said my name.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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