I got her a Nickelback box set.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
