Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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