she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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