did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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