Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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